i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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