So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
