I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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