Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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