my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
