He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
