My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
