she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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