it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
dude i'm inner monologue high
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
