Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
