How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
