I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had sex on a roof
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
