I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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