U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
