Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
