You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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