yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
