apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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