How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
