Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
