Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
