I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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