I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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