How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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