she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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