so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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