Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
