Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
