dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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