whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
