went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
