I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize