Need sex. Gaining weight.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
