I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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