i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
