OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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