8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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