dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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