my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
