Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
