i just wanna soil my oats bro
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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