I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
