I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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