Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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