That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
