i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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