My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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