Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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