Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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