awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
