And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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