we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
