Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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