dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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