Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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