I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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