it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize