The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He better not be in your backpack
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
